Things have gone wrong before, but never like this.

I was on top of the world this morning, figuratively and literally. I ate breakfast at the top of an extinct volcano, with a view of rolling plains dotted with volcanic outcroppings in a 360 degree panorama. My car was getting ridiculously good mileage, humming along in better shape than I'd ever seen before. When a minor electrical glitch popped up (disabling my cigarette lighter outlet; I think there may have been a short but no fuses were blown), I solved it with some awesome ingenuity and handyman skillz. I was feeling positively AMAZING.

Got to Colorado Springs, decided to try and find Pikes Peak. Missed it but ended up on another lil mountain canyon road in North Cheyenne Cañon Park. There was a dirt road that headed from there through the mountains to the highway that connects with Pike Peak, otherwise it was many more miles back and around the long way. So I took the dirt road. It got pretty steep, like really steep. With the extra weight I was carrying, I was having difficulty keeping revs up in 2nd gear, so I had to run for quite a while in 1st gear near the top of my rev range, though I kept it around 1000 below redline. It was heavily washboarded, which led to a lot of jangling and bangling. But soon I noticed that something else was chattering: my engine.

Thankfully I made it to the pass fairly quickly, and was able to descend in gear fairly smoothly. Got down to pavement and a 3-street intersection, called AAA, got towed to a garage, AAA set me up with a discount car rental, took a taxi to the airport because by this time the airport was the only Hertz location open, got a 24hour rental, found a coffeeshop with internet computers thanks to Kami, Hotwire.commed the cheapest motel in town for 2 days BUT THEY GAVE ME THE ADDRESS FOR THE WRONG ONE. They provided the address for a Days Inn just down a street a hopskip, but put the reservation through at a Days Inn 5 miles away. Got lost so many times in all the stages between, using 3 different maps to figure out where I was. 6 hours passed between calling AAA and getting checked into the motel, which is THANKFULLY just 2 miles from the shop my car's at. Spent an hour going back and forth in the rental Yaris moving luggage and my computer to the motel room, and now I'm spent. Shower, sleep. Augh.

I'm taking a road trip from Texas to Canada on my way to a lengthy sojourn in Idaho with the family, and although I won't have as much time for side trips and camping as I'd previously thought, I'm still giving myself about a week to work with (between June 5 and June 11).

My current plan is this
Quick summary of areas I'll be passing through/near:
Austin, TX -> Amarillo, TX -> Colorado Springs, CO -> Denver, CO -> Salt Lake, UT -> Boise, ID -> Seattle, WA -> Vancouver, Canada (what's the US state code for canada lolllll it's a country) and then back over to northern Idaho.

I don't have an EXACT schedule but I'm figuring on hitting Colorado fairly early like the 6th or so (because there is bupkiss to see in northern Texas), spend some time cruising through the Rockies and taking in some honest to god fuckin' MOUNTAINS again. Utah maybe the 8th, Seattle the 10th, home?? Ok there's a fair bit of wiggle room there. ANYHOO. As this trip is something of a return to my roots for me, I'd like to meet up with some of you guys if possible. Nothing big, no massive parties or sacrifices to the gods or anything; I'm just looking for lunch, dinner or some brewskis. WHATUP?


Also, if Shadoer is the only one who I get a positive response from, I am murdering everyone. Salt the earth. Raze the villages.

Yeahh. On account of my hospital visit (yay appendicitis) I'm a bit behind schedule on the move thing, so Memorial weekend is gonna be spent finishing moving, instead of just kickin' back. Sorry if anybody was actually planning on coming over.

A clarification is in order!

The party event is happening at my place, not Target's. Empty apartment kinda anti-housewarming thing. Nowhere near as cool a venue as Emily's place I know, but I wasn't entirely clear on that when posting last night.

So yeah. If you were thinking of coming in from out of town, you'll need to sort out a place to crash if you want to stay overnight. But there will be good BBQ at Goode Co. and probably a trek to the Flying Saucer for amazing amounts of amazing beer.

Apologies if the other day's entry was construed as lashing out against my friends. It was not! I never wanted to to imply anything along those lines. It was trying to air out a slice of the irrational madness that took over for a few hours. The entire thing could have been avoided if I'd asked what was going on Sunday, or when the Austin boys were headed out. Sigh. Dumb. I shouldn't have overreacted like that. But I couldn't stop it from happening, and THAT is frustrating and scary. At least I didn't lash out stupidly at anyone. >_< If I caused you to feel that I did though, I'm sorry.


I've never been a particularly insecure person. In the last year, especially around my breakdown, the Areas of My Insecurity have expanded enormously. Coping with this change is tough, I have no experience with being this sensitive :/ All I ask for is your patience and understanding. I'm going to try and heed recently given advice, and make sure I cool down before expressing my frustrations online.


Gonna see if I can book a session with my therapist for the next week.

Current Location: United States, Houston
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: SOAD - Boom

This isn't my first Easter alone.

One year way back when, I was stuck in the northern reaches of California on a construction job, just spitting distance from Oregon. It would have been too impractical to make it back down to Los Angeles over the weekend, so I moped a bit in the motel room and just watched movies all day.

I had hopes that today wasn't going to be a repeat. Our friends from Austin were in town! Party was happening! I'd gotten to hang out with the group the previous 2 nights after work, but I was basically so burned out from two seriously shitty days at work that I just collapsed in a pile. I was hoping to actually spend time with the gang today, but had to do my chores. Today being almost my only day off in a 2 week span, I had a lot to get done.

So I spent the morning cleaning, doing dishes, laundry. Got my boxes out to start packing. Around 6 I figured it was a good time to head over for hangouts. So, I grabbed my swim trunks and my cards for Bryan and Steph(I didn't know it was his birthday until last night, oops, and there really hasn't been an opportunity to give Sku hers from a weekish ago) and headed over. The street was empty, except for Stephanie's car. Sinking feeling in my gut: Maybe they're out to get grub? I went around back, knocked to see if anybody was home and Matt answered.

Turns out everybody left 2 hours prior. I'd missed out on hangouts entirely, and there wasn't any dinner plan. Steph was there so there seemed to be some kind of hangouts going on... but Matt was standing directly in the open door. It wasn't the usual "open door, step back, enter the Fudgelock." I suddenly got a feeling of "Thou Shalt Not Pass," an unusual unwelcome feeling that it would just be better if I left. So, I stammered something stupid and left.

Feeling stupid and useless. The worst of it is I know it's nothing personal, that people have their own lives, their own things to do. I know it's my stupid insecurities, insecurities that didn't really exist a year ago. But I suddenly felt like an outsider in my own group of friends I call family, and it was a horrible feeling. When I start working with the union, I'm going to have to resume therapy on a regular basis :| cause this is deeper than just my ADD issues. I thoguth I'd managed to overcome the insecurities fairly well over the past 2 months, feeling better as a person than in a long time. But this irrational self-stab through the heart only reminds me that I have a long ways to go. Also: way to go, attempting personal responsibility. Doing one's chores first means missing out on fun, this is a good life lesson to learn. ok, that's an unhealthy amount of sarcasm.

Dinner will be cornbread.

Update: Nick was totally awesome and brought some bacon lover, which I ground up and baked into the cornbread. So nummy. I love my friends, even when I'm freaking out stupid like this. I'm sorry I'm such a burdensome exasperation sometimes :/

Current Location: United States, Houston
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: SOAD - Revenga

I have to go to work shortly, at a Starbucks in the middle of a mega shopping mall. I am girding myself for battle. I am drinking Red Bull now, and have 4 more for this evening. I am listening to symphonic metal. I am freshly trimmed, and my beard is eager. Most importantly, I have my trademark erect Santa hat.

I will spend until 11pm standing precisely in one spot, pushing out picture perfect beverages every 15 seconds with a smile and a bellowed name. I will be in my happy place. Any customer who disturbs that happy place will get a sledgehammer to the face.

I can feel my veins perking up, the Red Bull has started. I am ready.

Hello, Livejournal. It's been a while, yeah? Yeah. I've kinda been dispersing everything to Twitter, which isn't exactly the best possible outlet for my more rambly thoughts and general life updates.

I have been reading The Everything Health Guide to Adult ADD/ADHD by Carole Jacobs and Isadore Wendel. It differs from the previous books on the subject by being less "Hey guys, so, there's this childhood condition called ADD which is why your children are so crazy and can't pay attention to anything!" and more "ADHD is a well established but surprisingly complex condition, here is a breakdown of issues and solutions"

My method of dealing with ADD has been basically ignoring it. I remember going on Ritalin back in highschool, but I do not recall it doing anything for me. In fact, i remember deciding that it did nothing for me, and stopped taking it on my own. I can't even remember how long I was on it, either how long I had it prescribed OR how long I actually took it. Despite it working for my sister, I for some reason didn't really give it a chance for me. After high school, I downplayed it every chance I got, basically forgetting that I had it. Whenever my inadequacies surfaced, I'd give some nebulous "That's how I am :| "rationale, instead of simply blaming ADD. Which is GOOD to an extent, not relying on my condition as a crutch, but it also means that I never developed any ways of really DEALING with my condition.

One of my issues has been having difficulty switching brain modes. When I'm at Work I'm in a hyperfocused super intense UberWorker mode, where I rock the pants off shit. When I'm at School, I'm in a somewhat less focused but still fairly attentive Skool mode (well, as long as it's not TOO much sitting still taking notes. Um. Ok, no, I'm bad at that) SCRATCH THAT do-over WHEN THERE ARE PROJECTS OR ACTIVE INVOLVEMENT activities in class, I am a hyperfocused super intense UberStudent.

Everything kinda crumbles when i get home. I sit down to relax and recharge, and then it's hours later suddenly. Forcing myself to do homework or chores becomes a horrible process that leaves me extremely open to distraction. It was about all I could do to force myself to do the homework for my one or two classes before succumbing to distraction, there is no way I could have managed a full student workload. Part of the problem is my setup: My computer is both my work machine and my relax machine. The blending of the two makes it SO hard to focus.

One thing the book brings to light is the need for discrete areas of focus. I need a whole separate area for work, study, projects or I am doomed to wander off and do other things. Hence the desk project! I am building an awesome office desk for the second room, which will house the lil server computer as my Office Machine. There will go the printer, scanner, drafting tools and drawing supplies, all that productivity gear. Also will be my woodshop! I've got all the lumber and most of the tools switched over, looking good. I will soon have an actual OFFICE! And I can then finish cleaning and organizing, but it's hard because I keep getting DISTRACTED.

Oddly enough, turning off the computer and playing CDs seems to help focus better than streaming audio from the computer, because it's so easy to dart back to the machine and goof off.


This journal entry has become incredibly rambly, raise your hand if you are surprised. Anyone? No? Good. Then godnight!

Current Mood: accomplished

Just gonna drop this here, 15 hurried minutes just before work, but I like it all the same.

TamaraThompson1707: HI
Jarp: Hi
TamaraThompson1707: how are you baby :)
Jarp: wonderfully confused!
TamaraThompson1707: good... ur alone right??
Jarp: in a manner of speaking
TamaraThompson1707: i've been busy like crazy lately, just got home and i'm kinda feeling a little naughty lol.. ;-)
Jarp: Naughty is good! Crazy is even better!
TamaraThompson1707: Oh yeah i'm super horny lolz! u?
Jarp: Nah, not since the other voices went away
TamaraThompson1707: Mhhm babe i love a guy who knows what he wants..u want me to show u something naughty?
Jarp: I like this new voice, the other voices in my head used to show me bad things
TamaraThompson1707: Nice!! lolz i like to wear lingerie for my man and slowly strip out of it...u into that?
Jarp: oh yeah
TamaraThompson1707: ;)..do you have a cam?
Jarp: no, the homeless man broke it :(
TamaraThompson1707: I have one but you're not a kid right?
Jarp: nuh
TamaraThompson1707: Can never really be sure..you know??
Jarp: and how! one of the voices is a kid
Jarp: he keeps telling me to get icecream
Jarp: and I listen because Icecream is amazing
TamaraThompson1707: K honey, just put in your info so the system can verify your age and ill start getting ready for you...like pink ?? thong or shorts ;-)
TamaraThompson1707: i use this site to play on cause i don't want to be recorded!...this site doesn't allow people to record my cam! u know?
Jarp: that is so futuristic!
TamaraThompson1707: credit card is just to verify your age, u get in for free thru my cam session invite but u need to verify babe ..cant show tits and pussy to minors..you know? lolz
Jarp: My doctor won't let me have credit cards :|
TamaraThompson1707: let me know if you need any help..i'm gonna slip into something nice for you..k? ;)
Jarp: I could use a credit card! Dr benson won't let me have one any more, part of the trial settlement
TamaraThompson1707: k
Jarp: i didn't want to!
Jarp: AUGH
TamaraThompson1707: k
TamaraThompson1707: are u in babe??
Jarp: YOU AREN'T ANGELA
TamaraThompson1707: k
Jarp: I CAN'T TALK YOU
TamaraThompson1707: u in?
Jarp: NO IN
Jarp: YOURE IN
Jarp: NO TALK
Jarp: NO TALK
Jarp: NO TALK
Session Close (TamaraThompson1707): Thu Jun 24 01:50:07 2010 -0500


Bad bot. I never even got a link to click.